What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:26
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
What is one fantasy you have never told anyone about but really want to do?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
In your humble opinion, why does the narcissist mistake kindness for weakness in some people?
What did i know ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
How can you know if they are your twin flame and not limerence or obsession?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She loved him until the end.
Can you name a female actress who has had bad timing or luck in her film career?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
This is soul school!.
So whats the point in blame.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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My family never makes their pension either.
When she asked me how she looked .
She married twice! .
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But it wasn’t much.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im still living with it.
I was very sick at this time too.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I waited trembling.
So, i spoilt her more .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ive learnt so much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And i lived it daily.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I have no regrets .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We were not on the streets..
I write beautiful poetry .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was in good health!
It was going to be , some day.
I was seconnd youngest,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Put me off passion for life!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was 9 years of age.
Who then, do I blame.?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She found it foreign!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She wouldn,t have been !
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I said to her
I was scared of men, in general
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
All the time i was locked up.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My life is so biszare .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Comes on , in middle age.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One cannot live in the past .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I will be 64.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We all went to grammer schools
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I think the readers, may guess!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He knew the spot.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But ive been too sick for many years..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I don,t even have a pension.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Would this be the day?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But, we were locked up after school.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.